Posts tagged story time
Hope everybody had a safe and Happy Christmas/New Years vacation!
Mine was great until my buddy Chris took his Irish foot to my crotch, which was a fatal mistake on his part.
It seems he did not take too well to the slaughter I was wreaking on the Wii, and took matters into his own hands, well, into my own sack.
This did not fare well for my Irish buddy as he was unprepared for my assault from the fetal position. It began with a square punch in the taint, then rounding 2 swift strikes to the crotchal region with my Wiimote (that sounds so wrong).
Moral of the story: Don’t forget you’re on the Internet at Tragland!
It was 2002, I was younger then, wasn’t as wise as I was now.
I was walking by when I seen a stranger named “Twenty Seven”, he was being attacked by multiple innocent people. I figured hey, why not help him out. We managed to slay all the innocents, after a long brutal battle that seemed like it was never going to end, he asked me something nobody has ever asked me before, 3 letters that changed my life. Those 3 letters were, ASL. followed by a “what’s your aim?”. I replied with liam ssalc tsrif.
That’s when it hit me, I wasn’t dealing with a normal person, he was quite abnormal just by the way he acted. He always said “LOL INTERNET” followed by a “RIFK”. I questioned this “LOL INTERNET” phrase and further searched the internet for this term, searched for 3 full weeks and found nothing of the terms “LOL INTERNET” or “RIFK”. Finally I worked up the courage to ask Twenty Seven himself. He sent me a link to this “ytmnd(tm)” website, I didn’t know wether to cry for help or click this steamsteamlol.ytmnd.com link. After about 20 minutes of thinking what to do, I clicked it. This strange japanese music started playing while Ronald McDonald, (the McDonalds(tm) logo) was pointing at something while speeding in a race car.
I questioned why he always said this phrase, all I got back from him was “You’re not ready for the facts of the internet yet.” Confused as I was, I still questioned and remained stumbled by what he meant by “Facts of the internet”. What facts were there that he was trying to hide from me? Was he protecting me from what the internet hides? All I know is it kept me up for weeks on end trying to discover what he was trying to hide. When was I finally ready to know what the facts were of the internet? Were they harmful? Would they bring joy to millions of fellow “interneters”? Would they bring great sorrow? Only he knew, and I was destined to find out.
Several months later he asked me to join his friends in a game called “Ferentus”, maybe the secrets he was holding lied in this game, I didn’t question. I downloaded this game overnight because my computer was and is not up to par with the cool kid gamers, so it took longer than most people to download. Morning had arrived and I installed the game. When the installation was complete, I quickly messaged Twenty Seven. He said he was at work. Confused, I asked him, “I thought hardcore elite gamers didn’t work?”. He replied, “I work at a computer store, we usually don’t get customers and I have access to a computer when there are no customers here”. Quickly, “I asked what do you do when customers are there?” I didn’t recieve an answer for many weeks to come.
Weeks had past and I finally recieved an instant message from Twenty Seven. He asked me, “Hey man, why do you always call me Twenty Seven?”. I replied, “Well that’s your name on Ultima Online, and I don’t know your real name.” He said, “Call me Trag, Lord..err, just Trag, all my friends do.” At that moment a spark of joy sparked in my eyes, that he considered me to be his friend. I replied with, “Sounds cool to me man, all my friends call me fcm”. He said, “Alright first, let’s play Ferentus.”
The game was like nothing I had ever seen before, a giant town with tons of Knights, Shops, and Women. Trag handed me a drink and said, “Welcome to the internet, fine times and bitches await!”. About a week had past, after all the drinks, all the women, all the fun, Trag alerted me and said “OUTSIDE THE TOWN!! MANY UNDEAD CREATURES!”. I paniced, we raced to the Armorcrafters shop where we purchased Armor, Weapons, and a local town peasent name Harvey. Sprinting to the gates that were across the town, he stopped half way there and started walking. I asked him what was the matter, he said “I can only sprint every 5 minutes man, now it’s on cooldown.” Stumbled, I asked “What the fuck does that mean?”. He raised his hand and smacked me across my face and said, “Not in front of Harvey.”
We reached the gate, only to find many Skeletons and Zombies. He told me not to worry, the guard opened the gate and said “Be careful, you have been warned.” Trag and I fought fiercely slaying nearly every Zombie and Skeleton and site for 7 long grueling days. Several moments later, we recieved an error message that said, “Sorry, 7 day trial is over. If you wish to continue playing, register at www.ferentus.com”. What he didn’t know is he accidently held down his microphone button, and I heard him scream, “FUCK MY SHIT”..
-To be Continued-
So I was thinking to myself as I stuffed my face with delicious barbequed ribs from a newborn infant, when was the last time I got a quality rimjob?
You see, it has been eons since my taint has last received a proper tongue lashing, and never once has it come close to the quality of a llama tongue on my sphinctor.
You see, llamas spit alot, and I believe I have finally found the answer as to why.
Llamas need to spit because they are always busy giving rimjobs. I mean seriously, think about it. What’s a llama going to do besides sit on a field and eat grass? People think their spit smells so bad because of what they eat, but I think it’s from licking that corn-covered-can!
Just don’t knock a llama up or you will be dealing with an emotional rollercoaster for an entire year, and honestly it would probably just work out better if you ate the damn thing.
Just make sure to clean up llama spit ASAP, it is known to cause impotency in men AND IN SOME CASES WOMEN!